Going to a funeral today.  This  old blackfoot quote comes to mind:

What is life?  It is a flash of a firefly in the night.  It is the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime.  It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.

On being Metis

The following is a quote from the book Manitowapow. This speaks strongly to my experience and it is put nicely into words here. As an aside I am darker now than in my younger years. An older relative said this would be so and it is.
                                              
 Very polite and amiable people, may sometimes say to a Metis, "You don't look at all like a Metis. You surely can't have much Indian blood. Why, you could pass anywhere for pure White." The Metis, a trifle disconcerted by the tone of these remarks would like to lay claim to both sides of his origin. But fear of upsetting or totally dispelling these kind assumptions holds him back. While he is hesitating to choose among the different replies that come to mind, words like these succeed in silencing him completely. "Ah! bah! You have scarcely and Indian blood. You haven't enough worth mentioning". Here is how the Metis think privately.

  "It is true that our Indian origin is humble, but it is indeed just that we honour our mothers as well as our fathers. why should we be so preoccupied with what degree of mingling we have of European and Indian blood? No matter how little we have of one of the other, do not both gratitude and filial love require us to make a point of saying, "we are Metis". 
                                    
Manitowapow is a book worth reading, especially if you have history on the Prairies.

Get Your Drum

Idle No More

Ego in the Sweat Lodge.

Round 1:  Remember why I am here.  Why we are all here.  The start of Chiibi.  I focus on JP. The heat comes suddenly making it difficult to breath that I  have to focus on staying calm and not worry about what is to come ( will it be too hot, uncomfortable etc...).   It feels right being here honouring JP.  Doing what I could not do in life for him which was to be there for him.

Round 2:  The door opens and I stay put.  Part of me wants to crawl out for fear of what this round will bring.  It brings more heat, more singing, more teaching.  I move with the sounds.  The songs are new.  I am here JP.  Does your spirit know that?

Round 3: Some are leaving now and there is a bit more room. A new Elder comes in to continue with more teachings.  I concentrate on the teachings through the heat.  These songs are not familiar.  Why not?  I realized I need to learn more songs.  Singing help you connect.  I can only move to the drum and feel what my ancestors must have felt.  It feels like home even if  it so sooo hot.

Round 4:  Always Round 4 for me is the home free round.  Easy.  The  difficult part is over  there is a lightness to it. I think to myself Ha! I made it through.. Oh how proud of myself I am at this moment. Heck, it is hardly even hot in here compared to what it was.  I drop the towel that I had been using to drape over my head and that I use to breath through in the extreme heat.  Oh how smug I am.  Just as I am in the midst of being so proud of myself this wall of fire heat blasts over and through my body and I cannot breathe but for shallow breathes it burns my lungs  Like fire has entered. For all I know I am on fire.  Did I hear someone shout "open the door" half way through a song or was it myself screaming inside?  I fumble for the towel but it is too late.It will not shield me know.  I have to accept this. I feel the sacredness that is in this place and I am small. Humble.We are not alone in this Lodge and I am aware of that.  Eventually this round ends and at last the doors open and I am much relieved.  Then my body shakes and I say I need to put my head down quickly.  The lady to my right says put my head so that it is touching the cool  ground.  The healing Earth.  Mother Earth.  I lay there for 2 minutes until my body feels normal again.  I have learned my lesson.

Sweat Lodge Calling. Maybe.

Woke up with the crazy strong urge to get ceremonial tobacco and red cloth today. I hope to stay true as to what I am supposed to be doing with it. The man behind the counter where I buy tobacco asked for my number. To some this might read as phone number but no, not that number (haha just realized how this might have been misinterpreted). Anyway, it makes me feel good that at this location I seem to be recognized, where my outside matches my inside. Everywhere else in my life, I am white on the outside and red on the inside. Except when I go to Sweat Lodge.

Basil and a Bombardment of Thoughts

The following was written in 2009 but forgotten in draft:

When I brought the basil from the garden in for dehydrating, the aroma filled the house and then to my senses which resulted in a feeling of sheer delight. This was followed by another thought, "who shall I give this to"? This may be the last harvest of the year, it is the last of the basil and I questioned whether it is unusual to think of giving such a prized possession away?

This thought led me to recall a recent comment from an old friend. He mentioned an incident where I had left some of my belongings behind ...things I enjoyed. I left them behind but it was not from being careless. Throughout my life people have made similar comments and although it must be part of my character, it surprised me that people found it worth commenting on, something to mention to me years later. It is a character trait that drives my husband crazy

because sometimes they are valuable things that I let go of....give to people who may need it, or who I believe may enjoy it. It wasn't until the moment of dehydrating basil that I accepted this is part of who I am...what is in my soul to do naturally.

Then another thought came. It is part of the native cultural belief system that there is abundance that flows from giving. It is a strong part of the culture not to be attached to things. I can relate completely with those sentiments. One of the ways this is done is through the 'Give Away' ceremony. Today the realization came that I have this trait deeply rooted in my genes and this makes me feel connected to my past, to my roots. It feels right and true.

It is the native belief system which is embedded in this soul, that part that stayed with me after all these generations that I find delight in and that will continue to annoy my husband to no end.

Dream

I was walking alone on a path and there was green grass as far as I could see. It was a rolling landscape. There were some trees but it was mostly open landscape. I think this was somebody's property and it was a huge piece of land. I had arrived a day before and was given a tour of the route that I am now walking on. It might have been the owner giving the tour or someone who worked there but I don't know for sure. There were many animals about on my walk as there had been the day before. The tour guide said if I come across a bear I should be calm but that they rarely interact with people so I probably wouldn't see one. As I was walking on the path I came almost face to face with a cub. I could see mother bear to my right and she was lumbering towards me but not very quickly. I turned around and started to walk in the other direction. I tried to stay calm but couldn't help but think that I was going to die right there as there was nobody else around to help should it attack me.It came behind me and I could feel its breath at my back. I knew it would pick up on my fear and attack. I look up to my right and in the distance was another large animal and it was telling me to walk in large swaying movements and not in a straight line like I was doing. It did not tell me in words. I don't know what kind of animal it was but I started doing as it said and then I woke up.

My first thought upon awakening was how wonderful to have a dream after all this time! It didn't feel as real as the other dreams ( I don't know how to explain it any better than that) except for the part where the bear was breathing on me and because of that I am counting it as one of those dreams.

Now to give thanks for this dream.

(Part 1) Indigenous Native American Prophecy (Elders Speak part 1)

"Plant something. That is the first step".

Perhaps it is that Old Blood Memory Thing Again

A few days ago I came across a video of a an American hunter and her young son who had just shot a squirrel. They showed the squirrel writhing before it died and as it was happening the mom was congratulating her son, but in a manner that was in bad taste. The video then went on to show her preparing a meal out of that squirrel, all the while mocking and making little jokes about the squirrel.

Today on the radio I listened to a program about a Scottish Sheep farmer who offers tours to school children so they can watch him prepare an ancient sheep dish. Part of the process involves boiling the sheep's head. At one point the kids run around with the sheep's head on a stick and there is much laughter but in the same kind of tone as in the example above.

What both these stories have in common is the disconnect, complete lack of respect, and no giving thanks for the animal that had its life taken so that we may eat and live.

Invitation to Sweat

Ask and you shall receive. This is what comes to mind as just last week I was thinking I need to go to a Sweat, and a few days afterwards the invitation came.

I went in search of guidance of a lighter nature. "Plant something. That is the first step" I heard Red Crow say in an interview around the time of my awakening of the interconnection of growing food and its connection to The Great Mystery. My growth in the garden has led to the desire to plant as my ancestors did, using seeds cultivated from the past, and I figured a good way to find answers is to attend Lodge. There must be people who still have this skill and this is the path I am on presently.

The answers or messages we receive in the Lodge do not always correspond to the questions at hand, but rather to something we are experiencing but not necessarily aware we need a teaching about .

The topic of this Sweat was gratitude. Strange. Gratitude is something I have been thinking A LOT about lately. It baffles me because I should be over it by now, yet somehow it continues to grow inside me and brings many gifts. The person of my past, the same one who was the source of my terrifying bear dreams, who apologized some 20 years later has given me a gift I could never ever have imagined. The resulting feeling of gratitude has grown to enhance my entire outlook on life. My heart has unloaded a heavy burden and my spirit is free. He said it meant so very much to him that he has received the gift of forgiveness, but the opportunity to forgive means equally as much. This is what I have learned and have been thinking about lately.

This Sweat was the first one I have been to that is run by women and is for women only. I was told it was a more gentle kind of Lodge than some others I had been to. The first thing you notice upon entering is that it has been decorated by a woman. Ribbon neatly crisscross the ceiling of the Lodge with matching blankets covering the ground. I looked specifically for a Bear sign for which there was none. I even had to look up to make sure there wasn't surprise bear fur dangling over my head like last time. Nada. Nothing. I still look for the Bear even though it doesn't chase me in my dreams anymore.

And so the Lodge proceeded in a gentle manner.....then round three arrived and the bear grease came out. I felt whole and didn't feel I needed it for healing but put it over my heart anyway as I had done in a previous Sweat. I smiled inside knowing the Bear still surprises me with its visits but the nature if its visits has changed. Drumming signaled the beginning of the bear song and a voice from the bottom of my stomach rose and my voice roared. The Lodge became hot, HOT but the singing kept me from struggling against it. For the first time the strength of the Bear worked through me as my voice joined other strong voices as we sang for another's healing. The Bear of my past is gone. My fear is gone.

Drum Dream

I was somewhere outside where there was some kind of gathering. It felt as though the event was just about to start and people were mingling about. There was much fuss about my dress. I said I don't need one as I already have a dress, the ribbon skirt (close enough). Someone outside of my line of vision, passed a dress and people were raising their arms to carefully receive this dress as they passed it person to person towards me. There seemed to be some kind of urgency of the people passing this dress to me. When it reached me I could see it was made from drum material ( hide). The print on the dress was of a drum I have seen. I could see the dress did not fit me and thought I must give it to a woman I know because it looked to be about her size.

The morning after this dream I went outside and immediately remembered the drum stick hanging in the tree, the one I was supposed to remember to remove 12 days ago. My first thought upon remembering the stick was hoping that it would not be there. It was there. After undoing the knot of the twine I held the stick in my hands and noticed it had a nice fresh feel to it. I placed it in the house just inside the door and didn't think of it again ( I was rushing about as it is harvest time and there is much to do in the yard). Perhaps I should have been able to make the connection of the drum dream and the drum stick, but I did not.

The morning after that I was in the shower washing off the swampy mud from my feet after a particularly refreshing muddy run, and not thinking about anything except how well the muck sticks to skin even after standing in the shower for 10 minutes, when this thought as loud as a voice came to mind and said it is time to contact the drum lady. The drum lady has mentioned on at least 2 occasions within the last year that I should come to make a drum with her. She is the same lady in the dream who would fit the drum dress perfectly. But I only made the connection at the moment the voice disturbed my leisurely shower. Ha, but I finally did get the connection, so there!

There is more.....

Upon completion of this post I just considered another connection. The drum design of the dress in my dream, taken from the drum I have actually seen, was at that time being drummed by a woman I do not know who was singing with a bunch of other women with drums...get this...The Bear song (Cree version). I kid you not. I am so slow on making these connections that it is no wonder my dreams have practically come to a screeching halt.

Awhile ago I bought a drum stick. There was a bunch of them made by grade 4 aboriginal students to help support an upcoming field trip. The teacher was at the table selling them and I did not get a good feel from him...like he was not balanced or something. It happens sometimes that I get these strong feelings, something in my gut and I felt this aversion soon after he started talking. I looked through the sticks made by the talented students and finally picked a beautiful beige and blue one. During this time other people came to the table and tested a desired stick on the drum. I liked how these people could tell a good stick from a bad sounding stick and yet I could not hear the difference! I picked my stick because of the colours and the feel of it. I paid up and as I was walking away the teacher calls out to me to say the stick is very special because he made it himself. Well isn't that just great. I have some kind of intuition I guess.

Not long afterwards I was instructed to hang the stick in a tree for 4 days to cleanse it. I just got around to hanging it in the tree today. If it is not there after 4 days then it was not meant to be mine.

Mourning Song

It is true, what he said. Red Crow was once asked how would someone start to get in touch with what is important in life. "Plant something. That is the first connection." When you feel a connection to the earth (our mother), the real world, you inevitably become more affected by the negative/ foolish impacts that occur at the hands of the powerful to it and to all living beings. And so this happened again last night. I am talking about harsh chemicals being spewed into our neighbourhoods in the hopes of ridding ourselves of mosquitos. Living in a flood plain this is an impossible task. But they spray and spray again, never telling us of the consequences. Today, in my sadness, I sat with a drummer and we drummed on the big drum, Grandmother Drum. We started with the mourning song, followed with the wolf song, the bear song for courage for what I should be doing (this comes up again?), finishing with the all encompassing earth song. Am I becoming a 'crazy' environmentalist, or finding a stronger bond with my aboriginal roots? I think it is the latter.

The Event

I completed my spiritual run in the ceremonial skirt running along the same route as the buffalo runners from years gone by. The first 6 miles were uphill ( I think its called a bute). Thankfully I did not know this until a few minutes before starting and so there was no time to get myself psyched out about it. We were told it was going to be a tough course and that we should call out our names for guidance when it becomes difficult, and to remember the runners before us. Do not focus on the body, I was was told, because the body will follow. Later, there came a point where I had to say to myself over and over again " Myskomyinganeekway" while my skirt flowed around me. And when I reached the top I could see around in all directions, not a road or a house in sight. I became joyful because I was still strong and I knew I was not alone. I finished the final 6 miles strong and joyful and could not believe it. But my time was 20 minutes longer than my slowest race, so I knew it was tough yet somehow I was shielded from it.

Later at the capturing ceremony, I was told I should to go to a certain location. He leaned in to say the name it has, is not the name the Pikani gave it ( out of respect I will refrain from disclosing the location). When something is very sacred it cannot be named. Then he told me, the girl who is still wondering if her dreams have left her, that this sacred spot is a place for dreams. I hope I get to visit there soon.

The Skirt is Done

I may have ancestral aboriginal blood running through my veins but I have an urban white girl's sense of fashion, so the idea of having a ceremonial skirt made out of my wolf pattern material with 4 different colours of bright ribbon sewn across the bottom was not appealing ( sorry ancestors). That is why I took it to Yana and begged her to make it look nice. Yana is a wonderfully talented seamstress with a thick Russian accent that sounds fabulous. I love to hear her talk. Anyway, $55 later I have a ceremonial skirt that I can live with. Why do I need this now? I am crossing 2 provinces to attend a powwow. Its much more than a powow. Or maybe it isn't going to be anything as I imagine. But the fellow who organized the event contacted me ( in an unrelated manner) and talked about things I have been thinking about and so I knew I had to go. It takes place in 2 days and me and the skirt are leaving in a handful of hours for the long drive out west.

No More Dreams

I wonder if my dreams have left me.

Dream

I was in the Lodge that I sometimes go to with a lot of other people. There may have been a Sweat going on but I was in dialogue with the Elder. In real life I like him a lot. He is sincere and has an air about him that is comforting. In my dream he explained what he was going to do.. asked if it was ok. I agreed because I wanted to get to the next level in my learning experience. He started cutting into the lower part of my scalp.. .kind of peeled it back. Then he did the same to the top part of my scalp, above my forehead and peeled it back. It did not hurt but the skin was thick and chunky and kind of grossed me out. Later it was time to exit the Lodge and as I did so with the Elder, an old woman saw what was done and became angry. I could not understand what they were saying but I sensed she was telling him he made a mistake and I became horrified at my physical state which could not be undone. It was as if this old woman was his Elder, he was just learning and didn't know what he was doing. He gave me a wig to try and conceal the flaps of skin that were sliced, but it was grey ( it might have been my neighbour's wig... the one she wore when she was enduring chemo a couple of years ago) and did not hide anything. Then I woke up.

This dream took place three weeks ago.

Red Sucker Lake, a reserve known only to me by reputation. I've been told the first thing you see upon arrival ( by plane, there are no roads) is "Welcome to Hell" painted on the side of a building. Reserves are often very poor and quality of living conditions deplorable, so imagine my surprise when a radio announcer thanked a 12 year old girl from this reserve, and 4 of her friends for collecting $400 from her neighbours to donate to Haiti. They went door to door in their reserve and the people dug deep into their pockets to help others across the globe. As an Elder said upon hearing this, " we were brought up to give to others in greater need than ourselves".

Pipe Ceremony

It was for a lady I knew only briefly but was asked to accompany a friend to the ceremony. This lady was from a Reserve up North and she was a well respected Elder in her community who moved to Winnipeg to complete her Masters at U of M when she died suddenly. Heard the mourning song they play for the family left behind. Kind of rips your heart out and I won't soon forget it. In the words of Crowfoot:

"What is life? It is the flash of a firefly in the night. It is the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset."

Bear Lodge Continued

Awoke this morning feeling the lesson of yesterday's experience. It is time to put my colours on my ceremony dress. I feel very strongly that this is what I need to do. That person was pushing me to come out of myself and this is what came to me today.