Ego in the Sweat Lodge.

Round 1:  Remember why I am here.  Why we are all here.  The start of Chiibi.  I focus on JP. The heat comes suddenly making it difficult to breath that I  have to focus on staying calm and not worry about what is to come ( will it be too hot, uncomfortable etc...).   It feels right being here honouring JP.  Doing what I could not do in life for him which was to be there for him.

Round 2:  The door opens and I stay put.  Part of me wants to crawl out for fear of what this round will bring.  It brings more heat, more singing, more teaching.  I move with the sounds.  The songs are new.  I am here JP.  Does your spirit know that?

Round 3: Some are leaving now and there is a bit more room. A new Elder comes in to continue with more teachings.  I concentrate on the teachings through the heat.  These songs are not familiar.  Why not?  I realized I need to learn more songs.  Singing help you connect.  I can only move to the drum and feel what my ancestors must have felt.  It feels like home even if  it so sooo hot.

Round 4:  Always Round 4 for me is the home free round.  Easy.  The  difficult part is over  there is a lightness to it. I think to myself Ha! I made it through.. Oh how proud of myself I am at this moment. Heck, it is hardly even hot in here compared to what it was.  I drop the towel that I had been using to drape over my head and that I use to breath through in the extreme heat.  Oh how smug I am.  Just as I am in the midst of being so proud of myself this wall of fire heat blasts over and through my body and I cannot breathe but for shallow breathes it burns my lungs  Like fire has entered. For all I know I am on fire.  Did I hear someone shout "open the door" half way through a song or was it myself screaming inside?  I fumble for the towel but it is too late.It will not shield me know.  I have to accept this. I feel the sacredness that is in this place and I am small. Humble.We are not alone in this Lodge and I am aware of that.  Eventually this round ends and at last the doors open and I am much relieved.  Then my body shakes and I say I need to put my head down quickly.  The lady to my right says put my head so that it is touching the cool  ground.  The healing Earth.  Mother Earth.  I lay there for 2 minutes until my body feels normal again.  I have learned my lesson.

Sweat Lodge Calling. Maybe.

Woke up with the crazy strong urge to get ceremonial tobacco and red cloth today. I hope to stay true as to what I am supposed to be doing with it. The man behind the counter where I buy tobacco asked for my number. To some this might read as phone number but no, not that number (haha just realized how this might have been misinterpreted). Anyway, it makes me feel good that at this location I seem to be recognized, where my outside matches my inside. Everywhere else in my life, I am white on the outside and red on the inside. Except when I go to Sweat Lodge.

Basil and a Bombardment of Thoughts

The following was written in 2009 but forgotten in draft:

When I brought the basil from the garden in for dehydrating, the aroma filled the house and then to my senses which resulted in a feeling of sheer delight. This was followed by another thought, "who shall I give this to"? This may be the last harvest of the year, it is the last of the basil and I questioned whether it is unusual to think of giving such a prized possession away?

This thought led me to recall a recent comment from an old friend. He mentioned an incident where I had left some of my belongings behind ...things I enjoyed. I left them behind but it was not from being careless. Throughout my life people have made similar comments and although it must be part of my character, it surprised me that people found it worth commenting on, something to mention to me years later. It is a character trait that drives my husband crazy

because sometimes they are valuable things that I let go of....give to people who may need it, or who I believe may enjoy it. It wasn't until the moment of dehydrating basil that I accepted this is part of who I am...what is in my soul to do naturally.

Then another thought came. It is part of the native cultural belief system that there is abundance that flows from giving. It is a strong part of the culture not to be attached to things. I can relate completely with those sentiments. One of the ways this is done is through the 'Give Away' ceremony. Today the realization came that I have this trait deeply rooted in my genes and this makes me feel connected to my past, to my roots. It feels right and true.

It is the native belief system which is embedded in this soul, that part that stayed with me after all these generations that I find delight in and that will continue to annoy my husband to no end.

Dream

I was walking alone on a path and there was green grass as far as I could see. It was a rolling landscape. There were some trees but it was mostly open landscape. I think this was somebody's property and it was a huge piece of land. I had arrived a day before and was given a tour of the route that I am now walking on. It might have been the owner giving the tour or someone who worked there but I don't know for sure. There were many animals about on my walk as there had been the day before. The tour guide said if I come across a bear I should be calm but that they rarely interact with people so I probably wouldn't see one. As I was walking on the path I came almost face to face with a cub. I could see mother bear to my right and she was lumbering towards me but not very quickly. I turned around and started to walk in the other direction. I tried to stay calm but couldn't help but think that I was going to die right there as there was nobody else around to help should it attack me.It came behind me and I could feel its breath at my back. I knew it would pick up on my fear and attack. I look up to my right and in the distance was another large animal and it was telling me to walk in large swaying movements and not in a straight line like I was doing. It did not tell me in words. I don't know what kind of animal it was but I started doing as it said and then I woke up.

My first thought upon awakening was how wonderful to have a dream after all this time! It didn't feel as real as the other dreams ( I don't know how to explain it any better than that) except for the part where the bear was breathing on me and because of that I am counting it as one of those dreams.

Now to give thanks for this dream.

(Part 1) Indigenous Native American Prophecy (Elders Speak part 1)

"Plant something. That is the first step".

Perhaps it is that Old Blood Memory Thing Again

A few days ago I came across a video of a an American hunter and her young son who had just shot a squirrel. They showed the squirrel writhing before it died and as it was happening the mom was congratulating her son, but in a manner that was in bad taste. The video then went on to show her preparing a meal out of that squirrel, all the while mocking and making little jokes about the squirrel.

Today on the radio I listened to a program about a Scottish Sheep farmer who offers tours to school children so they can watch him prepare an ancient sheep dish. Part of the process involves boiling the sheep's head. At one point the kids run around with the sheep's head on a stick and there is much laughter but in the same kind of tone as in the example above.

What both these stories have in common is the disconnect, complete lack of respect, and no giving thanks for the animal that had its life taken so that we may eat and live.

Invitation to Sweat

Ask and you shall receive. This is what comes to mind as just last week I was thinking I need to go to a Sweat, and a few days afterwards the invitation came.

I went in search of guidance of a lighter nature. "Plant something. That is the first step" I heard Red Crow say in an interview around the time of my awakening of the interconnection of growing food and its connection to The Great Mystery. My growth in the garden has led to the desire to plant as my ancestors did, using seeds cultivated from the past, and I figured a good way to find answers is to attend Lodge. There must be people who still have this skill and this is the path I am on presently.

The answers or messages we receive in the Lodge do not always correspond to the questions at hand, but rather to something we are experiencing but not necessarily aware we need a teaching about .

The topic of this Sweat was gratitude. Strange. Gratitude is something I have been thinking A LOT about lately. It baffles me because I should be over it by now, yet somehow it continues to grow inside me and brings many gifts. The person of my past, the same one who was the source of my terrifying bear dreams, who apologized some 20 years later has given me a gift I could never ever have imagined. The resulting feeling of gratitude has grown to enhance my entire outlook on life. My heart has unloaded a heavy burden and my spirit is free. He said it meant so very much to him that he has received the gift of forgiveness, but the opportunity to forgive means equally as much. This is what I have learned and have been thinking about lately.

This Sweat was the first one I have been to that is run by women and is for women only. I was told it was a more gentle kind of Lodge than some others I had been to. The first thing you notice upon entering is that it has been decorated by a woman. Ribbon neatly crisscross the ceiling of the Lodge with matching blankets covering the ground. I looked specifically for a Bear sign for which there was none. I even had to look up to make sure there wasn't surprise bear fur dangling over my head like last time. Nada. Nothing. I still look for the Bear even though it doesn't chase me in my dreams anymore.

And so the Lodge proceeded in a gentle manner.....then round three arrived and the bear grease came out. I felt whole and didn't feel I needed it for healing but put it over my heart anyway as I had done in a previous Sweat. I smiled inside knowing the Bear still surprises me with its visits but the nature if its visits has changed. Drumming signaled the beginning of the bear song and a voice from the bottom of my stomach rose and my voice roared. The Lodge became hot, HOT but the singing kept me from struggling against it. For the first time the strength of the Bear worked through me as my voice joined other strong voices as we sang for another's healing. The Bear of my past is gone. My fear is gone.