Going to a funeral today.  This  old blackfoot quote comes to mind:

What is life?  It is a flash of a firefly in the night.  It is the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime.  It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.

On being Metis

The following is a quote from the book Manitowapow. This speaks strongly to my experience and it is put nicely into words here. As an aside I am darker now than in my younger years. An older relative said this would be so and it is.
                                              
 Very polite and amiable people, may sometimes say to a Metis, "You don't look at all like a Metis. You surely can't have much Indian blood. Why, you could pass anywhere for pure White." The Metis, a trifle disconcerted by the tone of these remarks would like to lay claim to both sides of his origin. But fear of upsetting or totally dispelling these kind assumptions holds him back. While he is hesitating to choose among the different replies that come to mind, words like these succeed in silencing him completely. "Ah! bah! You have scarcely and Indian blood. You haven't enough worth mentioning". Here is how the Metis think privately.

  "It is true that our Indian origin is humble, but it is indeed just that we honour our mothers as well as our fathers. why should we be so preoccupied with what degree of mingling we have of European and Indian blood? No matter how little we have of one of the other, do not both gratitude and filial love require us to make a point of saying, "we are Metis". 
                                    
Manitowapow is a book worth reading, especially if you have history on the Prairies.

Get Your Drum

Idle No More

Ego in the Sweat Lodge.

Round 1:  Remember why I am here.  Why we are all here.  The start of Chiibi.  I focus on JP. The heat comes suddenly making it difficult to breath that I  have to focus on staying calm and not worry about what is to come ( will it be too hot, uncomfortable etc...).   It feels right being here honouring JP.  Doing what I could not do in life for him which was to be there for him.

Round 2:  The door opens and I stay put.  Part of me wants to crawl out for fear of what this round will bring.  It brings more heat, more singing, more teaching.  I move with the sounds.  The songs are new.  I am here JP.  Does your spirit know that?

Round 3: Some are leaving now and there is a bit more room. A new Elder comes in to continue with more teachings.  I concentrate on the teachings through the heat.  These songs are not familiar.  Why not?  I realized I need to learn more songs.  Singing help you connect.  I can only move to the drum and feel what my ancestors must have felt.  It feels like home even if  it so sooo hot.

Round 4:  Always Round 4 for me is the home free round.  Easy.  The  difficult part is over  there is a lightness to it. I think to myself Ha! I made it through.. Oh how proud of myself I am at this moment. Heck, it is hardly even hot in here compared to what it was.  I drop the towel that I had been using to drape over my head and that I use to breath through in the extreme heat.  Oh how smug I am.  Just as I am in the midst of being so proud of myself this wall of fire heat blasts over and through my body and I cannot breathe but for shallow breathes it burns my lungs  Like fire has entered. For all I know I am on fire.  Did I hear someone shout "open the door" half way through a song or was it myself screaming inside?  I fumble for the towel but it is too late.It will not shield me know.  I have to accept this. I feel the sacredness that is in this place and I am small. Humble.We are not alone in this Lodge and I am aware of that.  Eventually this round ends and at last the doors open and I am much relieved.  Then my body shakes and I say I need to put my head down quickly.  The lady to my right says put my head so that it is touching the cool  ground.  The healing Earth.  Mother Earth.  I lay there for 2 minutes until my body feels normal again.  I have learned my lesson.

Sweat Lodge Calling. Maybe.

Woke up with the crazy strong urge to get ceremonial tobacco and red cloth today. I hope to stay true as to what I am supposed to be doing with it. The man behind the counter where I buy tobacco asked for my number. To some this might read as phone number but no, not that number (haha just realized how this might have been misinterpreted). Anyway, it makes me feel good that at this location I seem to be recognized, where my outside matches my inside. Everywhere else in my life, I am white on the outside and red on the inside. Except when I go to Sweat Lodge.

Basil and a Bombardment of Thoughts

The following was written in 2009 but forgotten in draft:

When I brought the basil from the garden in for dehydrating, the aroma filled the house and then to my senses which resulted in a feeling of sheer delight. This was followed by another thought, "who shall I give this to"? This may be the last harvest of the year, it is the last of the basil and I questioned whether it is unusual to think of giving such a prized possession away?

This thought led me to recall a recent comment from an old friend. He mentioned an incident where I had left some of my belongings behind ...things I enjoyed. I left them behind but it was not from being careless. Throughout my life people have made similar comments and although it must be part of my character, it surprised me that people found it worth commenting on, something to mention to me years later. It is a character trait that drives my husband crazy

because sometimes they are valuable things that I let go of....give to people who may need it, or who I believe may enjoy it. It wasn't until the moment of dehydrating basil that I accepted this is part of who I am...what is in my soul to do naturally.

Then another thought came. It is part of the native cultural belief system that there is abundance that flows from giving. It is a strong part of the culture not to be attached to things. I can relate completely with those sentiments. One of the ways this is done is through the 'Give Away' ceremony. Today the realization came that I have this trait deeply rooted in my genes and this makes me feel connected to my past, to my roots. It feels right and true.

It is the native belief system which is embedded in this soul, that part that stayed with me after all these generations that I find delight in and that will continue to annoy my husband to no end.

Dream

I was walking alone on a path and there was green grass as far as I could see. It was a rolling landscape. There were some trees but it was mostly open landscape. I think this was somebody's property and it was a huge piece of land. I had arrived a day before and was given a tour of the route that I am now walking on. It might have been the owner giving the tour or someone who worked there but I don't know for sure. There were many animals about on my walk as there had been the day before. The tour guide said if I come across a bear I should be calm but that they rarely interact with people so I probably wouldn't see one. As I was walking on the path I came almost face to face with a cub. I could see mother bear to my right and she was lumbering towards me but not very quickly. I turned around and started to walk in the other direction. I tried to stay calm but couldn't help but think that I was going to die right there as there was nobody else around to help should it attack me.It came behind me and I could feel its breath at my back. I knew it would pick up on my fear and attack. I look up to my right and in the distance was another large animal and it was telling me to walk in large swaying movements and not in a straight line like I was doing. It did not tell me in words. I don't know what kind of animal it was but I started doing as it said and then I woke up.

My first thought upon awakening was how wonderful to have a dream after all this time! It didn't feel as real as the other dreams ( I don't know how to explain it any better than that) except for the part where the bear was breathing on me and because of that I am counting it as one of those dreams.

Now to give thanks for this dream.